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Bed and Breakfast at Prospect Hill
A Century-Old Victorian Inn in the
Smoky Mountains of Western North Carolina

Let me introduce you to . . .

Prospect Hill Phil

In the interest of full transparency,
I have to make it clear,
this is not Prospect Hill Phil,
This is Wikipedia Willie.

I don't have
a close up photograph of Phil . . . yet !,

If I get a chance in the next couple of days
I'll try to get him on camera
and add it here below.

OK here we go . . .This is Phil
much more handsome than that Wiki fellow !

Phil is our resident Groundhog
Better known to those who know about such things as  Marmota monax
but we don't call him that, he'd just get mad

Phil has been with us now for three years
and it's time for him to go !
Last Summer, he ate everything in sight -
Dahlias. Petunias, Daisies, Gladioli, Carrots, Onions . . .
everything growing within a hundred yards of his residence in the back yard.
We're in a recession and he's getting to be too expensive !
Besides which, Ben & Quinny go ballistic every time he shows his head
So, much as we love Phil,
it's time for Spring planting
and Phil has to go.

The great fear is that he might meet a Groundhog-ette this spring
Then in no time flat,
we'll be overrun with Groundhog-bambinos!
I know these Groundhogs!
So Phil's gotta go !

But how ?
We can't hurt the little rascal . . .

So I spent an evening on the drawing board . . .
and designed the revolutionary Prospect Hill Groundhog Incarceration System (PHGIC)
guaranteed not to hurt the little sucker
One with all the comforts of home,
decorated with pictures of Playboy Groundhogs,
and with a sliding door which comes crashing down as soon as he makes a grab for the lettuce.
Priced out at about forty bucks for material plus eight hours of labor at my customary $100 per.
I know, $840 sounds like a lot, but this is not your mother's Groundhog Trap
 

Then I headed to my friendly neighborhood Lowe's DIY store
armed with the list of material, a keen sense of purpose
and some engraved portraits of Andrew Jackson.
Loaded up the cart with the required supplies . . .
And the kind Lady asked "So what do you plan to do with all this wood, wire, pulleys, springs and pictures of Playboy groundhogs?"
"Build me a trap to catch a Groundhog" says I
'Indeed !" says she,
"Why don't you just buy the trap we already have assembled and ready to go?"
"How much?" says I
"About fifty bucks" says she
So I whips out my solar powered Prospect Hill Calculator
and before you can say Punxsutawney
I calculated that there was a serious savings to be had here
"Done !" says I, handing over my engraved portraits of Andrew Jackson
 

So here is where we stand children . . .

It's Friday evening . . .
After the customary cussing and gnashing of teeth,
The inferior Lowe's Groundhog Trap is now assembled.

My first impression is that it's too small for our Phil
definitely not Victorian in architecture as befits this stately home,
and sadly lacking in pictures of Playboy Groundhogs.
Chances are
I'll wind up with a brace of squirrels in it
(do squirrels come in braces ?)
 

The Trap is has been baited with a slice of cabbage
and one of Granny Smith's finest
Only the best for Phil !

Strategically situated
and
cunningly camouflaged
it waits . . ,

and to quote Peter, Paul & Mary
"Who knows what the morrow may bring  . . . "

(To be continued)

Saturday morning . . .

And the Groundhog trap is as empty as a food locker in a frat house.
I guess Phil found a warm hole and had an early night.
I don't expect any action during the morning hours,
Phil never gets up much before noon,
and we'll be working around the yard with most of the day
so he's not going to venture out.

Around 3PM Saturday, we took off to Lowe's to get the Spring bedding plants.

When we returned
there was Phil.
He just could not
resist that Granny Smith apple,
looking a bit surprised,
sitting quietly if somewhat exasperated, in the
inferior, pictureless Lowe's trap.

So, after a few words with Phil to explain the "demenagement"
 the next step was to fasten the cage
onto the carrier at the back of the Jeep
and take Phil for a ride
to a place where :
A) He could not eat our new bedding plants
B) he would be close to woods, fields and water
and
C) he would be well away from a main highway

Not such a tall order in Waynesville.

Judith gave him
a fresh Granny Smith
and I took his portrait again.

He does look
a little sad at leaving
probably thinking about
all those luscious
new petunias
he's not going to get to eat.

Then I drove
about 3 miles south of Waynesville. There
I found this bosky wood
alongside a field.

There was a home
about a quarter mile away
Looked like the kinda place
that might have petunias.
Listen, a groundhog's gotta live.

So I parked the Jeep

Then placed the Trap
on the ground
at the edge of the woods
with the door facing
into the woods.

and opened the door.

Without a backward glance
Prospect Hill Phil
left like a race horse
and vanished into the woods

The only question now is
did he have a friend
at Prospect Hill ?